Sensible Behaviour

Published in Sri Lanka in Sinhala, Tamil and English by Youth for Christ, in India in English by GLS, in Latin America in Spanish and Portuguese by RBC Ministries. Originally written in 2006.

 

HOW TO AVOID INDISCREET RELATIONSHIPS

Ajith Fernando

 

The city of Corinth was so degraded in terms of sexual sin in the first century that the phrase, “to Corinthianise” became popular in that society to describe flagrant sexual sin. Often the sins common in the society around us find expression in the church too. This was the case with the church in Corinth during Paul’s time. The most serious sexual sin that appears in the New Testament came from the church in Corinth.

 

We are living in an era where what was once known as sexual sin is now considered normal and nothing to be too alarmed about. Sex could be considered the obsession of today’s world. It should not surprise us therefore that various forms of sexual sin are seen even in the church today. One of the commonest forms is Christians getting trapped into extra-marital affairs and indiscreet relationships.

 

Though this is a common problem in both the church and in society today, we must not downplay the seriousness of the situation. Paul’s response to the sexual sin in the Corinthian church in 1 Corinthians 5 included a strong rebuke to the church for not acting more decisively in response to the sin, and a prescription for disciplining the person caught up in the sin.

 


ONE

 

An Area to be Careful about.

 

Rarely would a Christian would go into an affair or an indiscreet relationship planning ahead of time to do so. Usually they slide into it almost without realising it because they have been careless about commonsense rules that they should have followed. They talked too much about intimate things; they spent too much time alone; they gave help which someone else should have given; or they had the person in their home for too long when their spouse was not at home. There are times when we should be careful to simply flee from situations which could cause us to sin. This is what Joseph did when his master’s wife “caught him by his garment, saying, ‘Lie with me.’” He didn’t decide to stay and have a chat without going to extremes! “…he left his garment in her hand and fled and got out of the house” (Gen. 39:12). Paul advised Timothy to “flee youthful passions” (2 Tim. 2:22).

 

The Bible says that one of the most uncertain things in life is the way of a man with a woman (Prov. 30:18-19). This means that this is an area with which we have to be very careful because we could easily fall into sin (Prov. 2:16-19; 51-23; 6:20-35; 7:4-27). The human heart is very capable of deceiving itself and convincing us that something is pure when actually it is very impure. Therefore it is very easy for us not to see that something dangerous may be happening in our lives. Often others see the dangers, but usually they are either too afraid to tell the person or they give the person the benefit of the doubt and do not attribute impurity to what they see.

 

If you find that you are having warm feelings towards someone of the opposite sex and if either you or the other person is married, be very careful in your relationship with that person. These may not be sexual feelings. They may just be feelings of wanting to go to that person whenever you have a problem or of wanting to talk to or to see the person often or of always wanting to help the person. Such feelings towards those of the opposite sex should be had only with spouses, prospective spouses and family members. Such feelings can develop even when you are involved in God’s work, because you are doing something beautiful together. They start as something that looks very beautiful and pure, but they could develop into something very dangerous.

 

I work for Youth for Christ. And one of the commonest problems in youth ministry is that young girls hero-worship their male youth leader so much that, without realising it, they develop a “crush” toward the youth leader. Satan is very quick to pounce upon such opportunities to cause havoc in their lives. Married male youth workers are particularly vulnerable if their wives are not very affirming of them.

 

I do not think we ever lose the warm spot in our hearts towards our old girl friends and old boy friends. Sometimes that warmth expresses itself in hostility, but because that too is a kind of warmth it can quickly become transformed into romantic love. You may not have met the person for decades, but a chance meeting can resurrect all sorts of emotions which become difficult to control. We must be aware of the dangers and be careful whenever we meet a person of the opposite sex with whom we once had a more than normal emotional tie.

 

Jerry Jenkins, in an excellent book called Hedges about how to guard our marriages, describes what he calls hedges that we need to grow in order to protect our marriages. He explains one of these hedges like this: “I avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation even in jest.” He says that this is because he believes in the power of words and how people respond so positively to compliments. “Idle flirting gets people into trouble because the other person needs and wants attention so badly.” Excessive complimenting of a personal nature can affect a person more than we ever imagined. Jenkins point is that, without saying something like, “You are wearing a beautiful dress,” some would unwisely say something like, “You look gorgeous today.”

 

Jokes like, “It’s amazing how we click; you should have married me.” or “If I had met you before I met my wife, I am sure I would have married you,” can be extremely dangerous and, of course, insulting to our spouses. Yet I know of situations where such statements have been made by Christians.

 

A good guideline to follow in this area is never to do with or say to a person of the opposite sex anything which you will not be able to freely share with your spouse or prospective spouse. Dr. Jay Kesler wrote that his married daughter had told him, “I would be hurt more deeply if I found out my husband had a strong friendship with another woman, in which he discussed things with her that he couldn’t or wouldn’t discuss with me, than I would be if I discovered he’d had a one-night stand [a sexual encounter limited to a single occasion].” Neither Dr. Kesler nor I wish to give a one night stand any legitimacy by this comment. But I think it is significant that she said how extremely upset she would be if she found out that another woman had won the heart of her husband to the point of being the recipient of conversation that she alone deserved to have as his spouse.
TWO

Helping People

 

One of the commonest situations giving rise to extra-marital affairs in the church is that of counsellors having affairs with people they counsel. This illustrates a problem that is very common today. People who are helping others of the opposite sex, especially helping through counselling, sometimes end up having affairs with the people they help.

 

Counselling involves the sharing of things that have affected our emotions deeply. Therefore it is easy to develop an emotional tie with the person to whom you have shared, especially if you sense that the counsellor is also encouraging an emotional tie. This is why those who do regular counselling must have some strict guidelines to regulate their activities as counsellors.

 

My policy has been not to counsel alone with a woman more than once or twice. After that I prefer to hand over the person to another woman or to meet with her spouse or my wife or someone else. I know that professional counsellors cannot keep this rule. But, as we said, regular counsellors have strict guidelines regulating their activity.

 

We do not encourage men discipling women and vice versa in YFC Sri Lanka, though there are several instances of supervision across the sexes. I know that rules in this regard would change according to ones culture. I would only say that whatever the practices within a given group may be, extreme care should be taken to ensure that boundaries are not crossed. During the process of helping someone you lead from the other sex, if a sensitive personal matter arises, you can hand that problem over to someone of the same sex who can deal with it more intimately and freely.

 

Often others notice when boundaries are crossed, even though the persons involved may not have realised it. Because the relationship started as something beautiful the mind tries to convince itself that this beauty is still there—even after the relationship has gone too far. Others may realise that the way these two people look at each other suggests that something more than an ordinary friendship has developed. This happened to my wife and I when we visited a friend. We feared that the way she and another person with whom she was working looked at each other suggested that something romantic was developing. But we did not feel confident enough to talk to her about it. Some months later we found that she had got far too close to this person and had to leave this place of work.

 

We need to warn people when we see that something wrong is developing. When they are told, they should take the cautionary advice of others very seriously. Usually what happens is that they get hurt and deny that anything bad is going on. They may even accuse the person who warned them of being narrow-minded, untrusting or of interfering into other people’s private lives.

 

Another thing that helps is to make sure that, if you are going to have a long conversation with a person of the opposite sex, you meet that person in an open place so that others can see you. I strongly recommend glass doors for all offices of people who meet with people of the other sex. I know that many Christians do not follow this guideline today. I can only say that they are playing with fire. This is an area where it is “better to be safe than sorry.”

 

Sometimes when a person insists on helping another of the opposite sex too much, it could be because that person is suffering from an unhealthy “messiah complex.” There are many people in the body of Christ. We do not have to meet every need we face. One of the most important jobs of a leader is to make connections for those they lead. They realise that they cannot meet all the needs they encounter. So they connect the needy person with one who can help him or her.

 

If I write a letter that is not of an official nature to a woman who is a good friend, I usually show that letter to my wife. I realise that unmarried people cannot follow this practice, but they can maintain the attitude of care that lies behind the practice.

 

We must be careful about sending affectionate or personal SMS text messages to persons of the opposite sex who are not our spouses or prospective spouses. One thing about SMS messages is that sometimes people accidentally send messages to the wrong people. I know this because at least two people have got love notes I have sent my wife from abroad and have not known what to do with them! I know of a Christian group where one staff worker got by mistake an SMS sent by a married staff worker to a single staff worker which was far too personal. A disciplinary inquiry was the result!

 

Hospitality is a ministry strongly encouraged in the Bible. However, again we need to be careful that it does not give rise to situations that could result in unhealthy ties. For example, it would be very unwise for a person to be at home for an extended period of time with a visitor of the opposite sex while his or her spouse is away. And if they are alone in the house they should avoid long conversations in the absence of the spouse. This is a particular problem in smaller homes. I have heard of situations in Sri Lanka where a visitor sleeps in the same room, sometimes on the same bed, as the couple at night. This is a situation which must never be permitted.
THREE

Friendships

 

It is very important for us to cultivate close friendships with members of our own sex and share our struggles and joys mainly with them. Of course, our spouses or would-be spouses are the ones we share most with. Our family members—male or female—can also be the friends with whom we share such things. Some people find it easier and less threatening to share private matters with those of the opposite sex. But, especially after marriage, this becomes very unhealthy. It goes without saying that the ideal situation is when our spouse is our best friend.

 

I am not saying that we cannot have good friendships with those of the opposite sex. Our lives can be greatly enriched by people of the opposite sex if we can follow some basic rules such as not getting too close emotionally by sharing intimate things. In settings like a Christian group or a work place much joy and mutual enrichment could result from men and women having fellowship and working together. There are perspectives which women bring to a group which men often overlook; and the same can be said of men.
FOUR

Accountability

 

John Wesley’s famous and highly effective method for ensuring Christian nurture had a heterogeneous group called the “class meeting” where men and women of different ages and social backgrounds, but living in the same area, met regularly to study the Word and apply it to life. Special enrichment came to the participants because of the diversity of the group. Wesley also started another group called the “band” which was equivalent to what we would call an accountability group today. This was a more homogeneous group where the members were of the same sex and generally belonged to the same age group.

 

We need to have an approach to life that includes the idea that nothing we do is absolutely secret. The best way is to have an accountability partner or partners, and to have an understanding that when they meet with us questions will be asked about our weak and vulnerable areas. It is imperative that somebody knows about the serious weaknesses in our lives and checks up with us on how we are faring in those areas. This seems to be implied in 1 John 1:7 where, before saying that the blood of Christ cleanses us from sin, John says, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another.” The context is talking about confession of sin and therefore we could interpret the walking in the light which opens the door to fellowship as referring to being honest about our sins.

 

Today people often share sensitive things with outsiders like professional counsellors. I am not discounting the value of professionals who can be very helpful to us when we have serious problems. But professionals are never a substitute for accountability relationships. The best people to help us on the long term with our weaknesses are those who move with us closely and with whom we cannot hide things about our lives. A famous psychiatrist Thomas Szasz has said that “Psychotherapy is the purchase of friendship.” People pay a professional to give them a listening ear when that is what their friends are supposed to be doing for them.

 

It is not always convenient to talk about our weaknesses with people close to us. We are forced to face up to the consequences of our actions with them. For example, people often prefer if a counsellor knows about their weaknesses rather than their supervisor at work. They fear that if their supervisor knows their weaknesses their promotions may be jeopardised. But should not that be the case? Shouldn’t we be promoted according to our qualifications? If we have a weakness which will hold back our promotion is it not wrong to hide that from the person who decides on the promotion? Often in Christian groups the leaders are not responsible for the pastoral care of those under them. That is looked after by a specialist in pastoral care. I think that is an artificial separation of responsibilities. In the Bible leaders are shepherds who care for their sheep.

 

Many famous Christians who fell into sexual sin have said that it happened at a time in their life that they were not accountable to anyone for their personal lives. If you do not have an accountability partner, find one. Don’t blame the organisation you work for or your church for not providing one for you. You can’t miss out on such an important resource simply because a group has failed to provide it for you. I’m sure you would not stay away from a doctor when you are very sick if your employer did not have a health plan for its employees.

 

One sad situation in the church in Asia is that Christians can’t trust people to be faithful in not telling things that have been told to them in secret to others. Our people do not seem to have the integrity to maintain confidentiality. Because of this many are afraid to share openly about their lives. It is imperative that we develop a new generation of Christians who have the integrity to keep secrets confidential. If you get hurt once don’t get discouraged in your quest for trustworthy friends.

 

In Youth for Christ we have asked our leaders not to share with their spouses matters of a sexual nature that others of their own sex share with them. This is because when we share those things with our spouses the person who shared with us could be unnecessarily embarrassed. Besides they may not want to share sensitive things of a sexual nature with us if they knew that we will tell that to our spouses.

 

Of course, sometimes there are biblical reasons for sharing the confidential information with others. For example, when a Christian commits a sin for which he or she needs to be disciplined, then the person who is told about it may need to ensure that leaders who can do something about this are told about what has happened.

 

Interestingly the business world has strong principles of accountability when it comes to relationships between the sexes within the professional circle. This is because affairs within an office are considered as a hindrance to the effective running of the office. I have a brother in the business world, and he has told me that where he works there is “zero tolerance” of anything that looks like sexual harassment or abuse and a ban on affairs between people within the same division. They do it because it hampers the effectiveness of the organisation by letting unhealthy factors influence the judgement of the person having an affair. We have a stronger reason to be strict on such matters: they violate the laws and dishonour the name and incur the wrath of the Lord we represent.

 

Let me mention one sad observation that I have made over the years. I have found that sexual sin is an area that some Christians often lie about or withhold information. Some of these people have very open fellowship with those they are close to. They share about their needs, and are usually willing to apologise for their wrong deeds. But when it comes to sexual sin, they deny the truth; they hide the facts and usually will not confess until they are confronted with indisputable evidence.

 

Even when faced with the evidence they will usually accept only what is known by others, though there may be much more serious issues which are not immediately apparent to others. Only half the sin is confessed and consequently the prospects of complete healing from the sin are greatly minimised. Without proper healing there is a great possibility that the person could do the same thing again under conditions similar to those which led to the earlier sin. The sin has revealed a weakness in the person’s life which needs to be dealt with decisively if healing is to take place.

 

When we are confronting a situation of sexual sin in the body we need to bear in mind the fact that people are often untruthful in this area. Because we do not like the unpleasantness that comes with the confrontation, it is possible to avoid facing the real issues and being satisfied with dealing with a serious problem in a somewhat superficial way. Then no real healing will take place.
FIVE

The Power of Sex

 

We must never underestimate the power of sex. After all, this is the force that God created to ensure that life on earth continues. The sexual urge of a man is particularly powerful. Proverbs 7 explains vividly how a man could be dragged into sexual sin like “an ox goes to the slaughter” (7:22) when he gives into seduction. I am amazed at how naïve wives can be about the sexual nature of their husbands. They allow them to help people in ways that would make them vulnerable to temptation. They leave them alone at home with young house-maids, sometimes for several days. They say that they trust them because they are godly men. But godliness does not take away sexual feelings and urges. These are a part of godliness. God intended for married men to have a strong sexual drive so that they could enjoy sex within marriage. If the sexual drive is a gift of God, godliness should not decrease it.

 

Therefore a man must never take risks with sex. It is too powerful a force to be careless with. Again we say that this is an area where it is “better to be safe than to be sorry.” The wife holds the key here. She needs to know when to tell her husband that she is unhappy about something he is planning to do with a woman. And if she is unhappy with something he is doing she should avoid an accusatory tone when she tells her husband. That could make him defensive and aggravate the problem greatly. I have seen too many happily married men who underestimated their sexuality and ended up making huge mistakes with other women.

 

A few weeks ago a realisation dawned on me that really shocked me. The Bible says we should think of sexual enjoyment only within the context of marriage. But society is constantly bombarding us with the idea that we owe it to ourselves to enjoy sexual pleasure whenever we can from whomever we can. And unconsciously we Christians too have been influenced by this.

 

We have lists of the sexiest women and sexiest men in the world. The rationale behind this seems to be that the sexual attraction of these “beautiful” people must be made available to the whole world to enjoy. We supposedly have a “right” to enjoy their sexuality. So the magazine section of the Sunday newspaper will have sexually stimulating pictures of models, and it is easy for us to derive satisfaction from them.

 

The fashion industry thrives on making the female body look sexually attractive. Sex is one of the most effective means to success in advertising, as the billboards in our cities show. The lyrics of songs and the plots of novels and films imply that extra-marital sex is a normal and, sometimes, necessary aspect of life. Philip Ryken quotes some research that shows that “with all the encounters and innuendoes, the average American views sexual material more than ten thousand times year.” Ryken says that “by a ratio of more than ten to one, the couplings on television involve sex outside marriage.” According to the Bible, all these things are sins. Jesus said that to look at a woman with lustful intent is adultery (Matt. 5:28).

 

It is considered normal for a couple who have got close to each other to start living together long before even considering marriage. We seem unmoved when we hear that a famous actress has gone to live with a famous actor. These are the people whom our youth consider to be successful in life. However, according to the Bible, adultery lands us in hell (1 Cor. 6:8-10), and hell is a terrible place. This is deadly serious. We get all excited about thousands dying in the tsunami and think nothing about famous people condemning themselves to an eternity in hell and, given their popularity, challenging others also to do the same!

 

No wonder the Bible says so often that we must purify our minds (Eph. 4:22-24; 1 Thess. 4:3-8; 2 Tim. 2:21-22; Jas 4:8). We are constantly exposed to filth, but the filth does not look filthy at all. We have even slid into an attitude that thinks that filth is not a big deal. In such an environment we are more prone to succumb to temptation. We have taken the first step on the slippery slope that leads to adultery. We have accepted the common fallacy held by people today that sexual enjoyment could be had without committed love. When that theological shift has been made in our minds we would be less able to resist powerful temptation when it hits us. How much we need to keep asking God to purify us because it is so easy for us to allow the ever-present filth around us to get into our minds!

 

Another area we need to be careful is about touching people of the other sex. Hugging has become very common in the church these days. This can be a joyous thing in certain cultures. However it can also get out of hand, and there are several stories of situations where that has happened. Jerry Jenkins suggests that we should be very careful whom we hug and make sure that we hug people of the other sex only when others are around.

 

Another thing to avoid is long hugging. An affectionate hug can turn sexual after a few seconds. You may be comforting a person through this long hug, but it is not worth the risk. The last thing a person who is suffering some sorrow needs is a confusing sexual relationship with a person he or she likes very much.

 

Today the practice of laying hands on a person when praying is common. I mention this here because this practice has caused so many problems in Sri Lanka. We need to be very careful about where we touch people when we pray for them. With a person of the opposite sex, I would touch only the head and I do not touch a person if I am alone with the person. Sadly some Christian leaders in Sri Lanka have touched people in inappropriate places while praying for them during pastoral visits and caused much dishonour to Christ.

 

Because of the power of sex it is imperative that we always remain on guard in this area. One of Sri Lanka’s great Christian leaders Dr. Colton Wickramaratne says how he met the elder statesman of the worldwide Pentecostal movement, David du Plessis, when du Plessis was in his eighties. Dr. Colton asked him at what age a man could consider himself freed from sexual temptation. The old warrior of God responded, “Don’t ask me, I am too young to answer that question.”
SIX

The Power of Past Sexual Experiences

 

Over the years I have found that some people come to Christ with severe scars from sexual experiences during their pre-conversion life. They may have been abused as children; they may have been addicted to pornography; they may have been guilty of abusing people themselves; they may have had the habit of indulging in sexually loaded conversation with members of the opposite sex. The fact that they come to Christ does not automatically take away the sexual feelings that are in their minds. They do not feel free to talk about these feelings with other Christians, as conversation on sexual things is often taboo in some Christian circles and almost always very uncomfortable.

 

What happens therefore is that Christians struggling with unresolved sexual issues grow in their Christian life without dealing with this problem. They suffer silently and grapple with temptation without anyone knowing about it. Suddenly they encounter a situation which is ideal for committing the sexual sin they have been battling with. They cannot resist, and they end up falling, and everyone is shocked.

 

The problem is compounded by the fact that Satan often tempts mature Christians with the sins they committed before their conversion. This was something my first Area Director in Youth for Christ, Dr. Victor Manogarom, told me, early in my ministry. After being a Christian for some years can get careless about maintaining a warm and open relationship with God by neglecting our daily time with God. We can allow bad influences to come into our lives through things like indiscriminate TV watching and internet use. Then we become vulnerable to “the schemes of the devil” (Eph. 6:11), who eagerly waits to attack Christians in their weak areas.

 

A key to solving this problem is having accountability situations as described above. Here people do not need to feel shy about talking about their sexual temptations. Their accountability partners would expect them to share about their sexual behaviour outside marriage, and often the prospect of doing this acts as a deterrent to sin. I have come to believe that if a person has committed serious sexual sins at any time before or after his or her conversion to Christ or is suffering from serious affects of having been sexually abused, that person needs to talk about this to a trusted accountability partner or leader. Then they have brought into the open a possible area of serious problems, and will be alert to signs of failure in that area.

 

Another key is for Christian leaders to bring up these topics in their teaching and preaching so that they are brought out into the open. This way those struggling with these issues realise that they are not alone in the struggle, and they could become bold enough to talk about them to others. This is what I discovered when I started sharing the material of this booklet to different groups of Christians in Sri Lanka.

 

I think of all the experiences triggering sexual hyper-activity considered in this section, the most tragic is the sexual abuse of children. In my ministry I have encountered several people who have struggled with increased sexual feelings ever since they were abused when they were children (The other common reaction is distaste for sex following abuse). They did not consent to what was done to them. It was forced on them, but it did arouse sexual feelings at an early age which left them unusually sexually charged. Some of these people ended up committing serious sexual sins in adult life.

 

We cannot condone the sexual sins of these people on the grounds that they were abused as children. Yet how much pain and sin could have been avoided if they had shared their struggles with a trusted person or persons and become the recipients of God’s therapy for healing these affects of abuse. How much safer it would have been for them if they had a group of accountability partners who knew of this weakness of theirs and made sure that they were accountable regarding their behaviour in that area.

 

The way abuse ruins people’s lives must surely be a reason for sexual abuse being considered such a serious crime by society. May the church be equally or more severe in its condemnation of sexual abuse and more conscientious in its attempts to heal those who have been abused. We must remember that this is one of the serious secret sins of South Asia, that happens all too often but is usually hushed up and not confronted.
SEVEN

Affairs and Insecurity

 

Ultimately every wrong sexual affair is an expression of insecurity. The ego gratification that comes from the attention and adoration of another person or from the sense of conquest—of having “won” someone—causes one to be blind to all the negatives that come with the affair. Most people go into wrong relationships lured not so much by sex as by the sense of self-affirmation that comes from the affair. Sometimes it is the sense of conquering another person’s mind and body or of being able to control another person which brings satisfaction. The extreme form of such conquest is rape.

 

Dr. Jay Kesler says, “People are most vulnerable to sexual temptation, I’ve found, when they’re unable to achieve their goals, when they’re frustrated or they’re discouraged, when they’re dreams are being dashed.” This is why people often get into affairs at times when they are having serious problems in their vocation and their vocational value is under question. The sense of significance of people, especially men, is closely tied to how significant they feel in their vocational life. The sense of self worth given to a man by an adoring female (often not half as “beautiful” as his own wife) or given by having conquered the body of a woman, temporarily fills the void and insecurity that he feels about himself.

 

This insecurity theory explains why strong political leaders (whose so-called strength is actually a compensation for insecurity) have multiple affairs with younger people. All the acclaim that leadership brings does not take away the hunger they have for affirmation, and significance. It also explains why people in mid-life often have affairs. As Dr. Kesler says, “Middle age often brings with it a particular vulnerability to sexual temptation…. Some people become frightened about growing older, and they wonder if women still find them attractive. So they’re tempted to test the waters to find out.”

 

If the affirmation of ones spouse is a wonderfully precious experience, the chances of that person going into an affair are greatly reduced. But the ultimate cure for insecurity is the thrill of being a child of God for whose life God has a wonderful plan. This is why spending unhurried time with God daily is so important. In a passage which warns about the dangers of worldliness and impure thinking James exhorts: “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded” (Jas. 4:8). From such times with God, not only are we fed with God’s truth which gives us a sense of the terribleness of sin, we are also fed with doses of loving affirmation from God which help to reduce the attractiveness of an affair.

 

When we spend time with God we experience something of the thrill of knowing that the eternal God considers us his children (1 John 3:1). The Bible says that God delights in us (Psa. 37:23; 147:11; 149:4).The greatest thrill in life is the knowledge that God looks at us with a smile and exclaims, “He belongs to me,” or “She belongs to me.” If so, the greatest terror for Christians would be to know that they have forfeited the smile of God. This is a great preventive to sexual sin.

 

So, however busy we may be with other duties, let us never neglect the thrill of relishing the presence of God. Let us never allow the sense of being loved by God to leave us. Then if you are married, single, widowed or divorced you can still be a happy, fulfilled and secure individual. God can fill that void of insecurity so much better than an affair can!

 

EIGHT

The Importance of Discipline for Sexual Sin

 

Over the years I have seen several situations where a Christian commits a serious sexual sin, comes back to God in repentance and returns to Christian activity without a thoroughgoing disciplinary process. My sad observation has been that many of these people commit the same sin again. That a person committed such a sin once reveals a weakness in that person, which forgiveness does not necessarily cure. Discipline is designed to heal such weaknesses (1 Cor. 5:5). The trauma and humiliation of having gone through such serious discipline acts as a deterrent the next time this person is tempted in this weak area.

 

This is why it is so important for people to bring representatives of the body of Christ into the situation after they have committed serious sexual sin. Private personal confession may forgive past sins, but it may not heal some of the causes of that sin. Therefore we must urge Christians to be open about such sin to those who can help them. We must also urge the church to go through the extremely painful process of disciplining offenders.
NINE

Some Guidelines for Married People

 

While an unhappy marriage is never an excuse for having an affair, a happy marriage certainly helps avoid affairs. Therefore we must make cultivating our relationship with our spouses the most important project in our lives next to cultivating our relationship with God. What the Bible describes as a process of two becoming one (Matt. 19:6) does not happen automatically. It requires hard work.

 

The ambition to be one with our spouses should consume us and our energies. We must approach this task with deep dedication and the willingness to drop other things to give time to it. Sometimes our lives can be so tyrannised by urgent demands that the most important things in life get pushed out of our schedules. Our relationship with our spouses is a common casualty here.

 

Here are some guidelines for nurturing your relationship with your spouse.

 

Family life is one of God’s most beautiful gifts to us. There are few joys on earth that compare with the joy of a couple who have been careful to love each other and protect and nurture their relationship over decades of marriage. Sex will remain a precious thing to such a couple, and its enjoyment will deepen with the passing years. How sad that many Christian couples miss out on this joy by not nurturing their marriages. It is not too late to change. If you are married, make the joy of your family life one of your greatest ambitions in life. If you hope to get married, go into marriage with the strong determination that you are going to guard the joy of your family and do all you can to nurture it.

 

So as to underscore what I am saying here, let me give two quotations from two of God’s great servants of the past. George Müller said, “I never saw my beloved wife, at anytime when I met her unexpectedly in Bristol, without being delighted to do so.” Martin Luther has said, “There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage.” This is the type of relationship we must seek to have with our spouses.
TEN

A WORD ABOUT SINGLENESS

 

Much of what we have already said can be applied to single people. However because single people have a unique situation with unique challenges, I would like to say a brief word especially to singles, though this will help married people too.

 

An Important Call. Singleness is a noble calling from God which Paul held in high esteem (1 Cor. 7). It is true that singles cannot experience the satisfaction of having sexual relationships and in that sense they are deprived of one of the joyous experiences of humans. Ruth Tucker in her biographical history missions has a chapter that outlines the great work done by single women missionaries. But she also says that one thing that most of these great single missionaries experienced was loneliness and even depression.

 

So can we say that are they missing God’s best for their lives? We cannot, if we take what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 seriously, for he recommends that those who are not married remain single, especially in view of what he calls “the present distress” (verse 26). The abundant life which Jesus said he gives (John 10:10) must surely be available to singles. Actually Jesus was single and he was the happiest man who ever lived. This is why he said that when he gives us his joy our joy will be full (John 15:11). It is interesting that this statement was made just before he was going to suffer the greatest suffering any human experienced as he took upon himself the punishment for the sins of the world. So Christians can be fulfilled even when they seem to be deprived according to the world’s standards.

 

The problem is that we live in a world which seems to have made sex into a god. The warped sense of values which comes from this suggests that those who do not have sexual relationships are deprived of a basic necessity of life. But research has clearly shown that this is not true. People who abstain from sex can be perfectly healthy individuals.

 

A key reason for Paul’s recommending singleness is the unique way in which they can serve God without the burden of caring for a family (1Cor. 7:32-35). In my study at home I have a photo gallery of twenty-eight Christian heroes who have excelled in the fields that interest me most. Eight of them are singles: Amy Carmichael, John Chrysostom, Henrietta Mears, Blaise Pascal, John Stott, Sadhu Sundar Singh, John Sung and Corrie ten Boom; and one, C. S. Lewis, married in his late fifties and was widowed four years later. The ratio of great singles to married people here is much higher than the average in society. Ruth Tucker quotes a Baptist missions official who wrote, “I estimate a single woman in China is worth two married men.”

 

Unfulfilled Desires. Yet singles will still have sexual desires which are not going to be fulfilled. What do they do with these? Let me say that all Christians will have situations similar to this at some time in their life. I believe I am in the last third of my life, and my wife and I have to prepare for one of us leaving and going to heaven. After thirty happy years of marriage that is something that is going to be very hard for the one who remains. We would like to die around the same time, but that is unlikely. So we have to prepare for life alone after being so used to life together. We know it will be hard. But we also know that God always remains with us through hardship and give us a joyous life. Christian joy can survive even the separation of loved one through death.

 

We find situations where a Christian marries a psychologically immature person and has to live with a relatively tough marriage until death separates them. It will be hard, but God will give the needed strength. Some who are married are unable to have healthy sexual relationships because of psychological or physical reasons. While there is healing for many of these problems and they should patiently seek that healing, some of the problems are not going to be healed.

 

These are exceptions to the norm which God permits some to go through. But he is bigger than the problem and will enable those enduring this to experience the abundant life he gives to his children.

 

Holy Longing. What then does one who has no fulfilling sexual experience because of singleness or some other problem do? I want to suggest the biblical discipline of “holy longing.” Christians are people who have tasted of the blessings God intends for them, but who know that what they now experience is only a foretaste of the fullness. Therefore on earth they will experience frustration so that they will groan as they long for the fullness. Paul explains this in Romans 8:18-25. In the Psalms we find the faithful panting (Psa 42:1) and thirsting (63:1) after God. This is a thirst which will not be fully satisfied until we get to heaven. The Song of Songs applies this principle to the love between a man and a woman where they eagerly await the consummation of their relationship in marriage.

 

Singles and the others mentioned above will encounter severe pressure because of their unusual situation. There is pressure from the sexual orientation of society. There is pressure from well-meaning relatives and friends who want them to get married and keep asking insensitive questions about that. There will be pressure from their own human desires for romantic love and sex. They cannot deny that such exist. But they can transform their desires into holy longing. God has perfection planned for us. That will be fully realised only in heaven. In the meantime he may give the gift of marriage at a relatively young age or at a later age. Or he may call some to singleness. They can long for the fullness that God has planned and remain pure so as not to destroy God’s beautiful plan for their lives.

 

Because sexuality is God’s gift they can long for sexual satisfaction, always saying that if God does not will that for them they will still remain happy and pure. So they will not settle for the second best. No sex before marriage. No giving in to the boy friend who wants to have sex before marriage. No giving of my body as a play-thing for someone who does not truly love and respect me and is not willing to devote a lifetime of commitment to me. No trivial romantic relationships without an idea of marriage because romance is a beautiful gift intended to last a lifetime.

 

We had four single Asians in my seminary dorm when I was a student in the USA. On Friday evenings our dorm was deserted with all the Americans having gone on dates (I must confess that I find it difficult to harmonise the western practice of going steady without plans for marriage with the high view of romantic love as a lifetime commitment found in the Bible. I am distressed to see how, with the influence of western media, this practice is gaining popularity in Asia). On Fridays we Asians would sometimes exclaim to each other, “I want a wife!” This was a holy longing for romantic and sexual satisfaction which is part of God’s usual pattern for humans. I knew, of course, that if God called me to singleness I would have to live with a sense of incompleteness in some areas till I die. But I rested on the truth of Psalm 138:8: “The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psa. 138:8).

 

The great hymn-writer Fanny J. Crosby (who is also in my photo gallery of 28 Christian heroes) was blind from the time she was six weeks old. A remedy for a slight inflammation in her eyes as a result of a cold went horribly wrong causing blindness. She expressed holy longing in her hymns that spoke of the wonder of heaven and the foretaste of it. The most famous of these is the hymn “Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine.” A Scottish minister once told her it was unfortunate that God did not give her the gift of sight. She startled him by responding, “If I had been given a choice at birth, I would have asked to be blind… for when I get to Heaven, the first face I will see will be the One who died for me.” Holy longing!

 

Crosby was married to a blind musician, but her only child died in infancy. Here’s what she says about the man whose mistake caused her blindness. “In more than eighty-five years, I have not for a moment felt a spark of resentment against him, for I have always believed from my youth up that the good Lord, in his infinite mercy, by this means consecrated me to the work that I am still permitted to do.” Her songs exude with the joy of the Lord.

 

Fanny Crosby exemplifies an attitude which should characterise all Christians and which will help them remain sexually pure and happy whether married or single. This is an attitude of a deep satisfaction in God mixed with a yearning for more of the blessings God has planned for us. Single people should not harbour resentment over people they had hoped to marry who let them down. If God permitted that, he surely has another happy and blessed plan for them. This happiness and contentment in God and his will helps us to overcome the temptation to finding fulfilment in ways that displease him.

 

The Church’s Responsibilities towards Singles. There are some needs which singles have that the church must ensure are looked after.

 

 
ELEVEN

Don’t Give Satan a Foothold

 

I have often wondered how some giants of the faith could have fallen into adultery after they had been genuinely used by God to do so many mighty things in his name. Clearly the fall into prominent sin of these giants was not as sudden as it may seem. I believe they had left small areas in their lives where compromise was allowed. I speak from experience as I have seen how dangerous such things can be in my own life. We think it is a small thing, and so we do not flee from it as Paul advises (2 Tim. 2:22). But Satan relishes these small things, and lets them grow in us almost without us realising that something serious is happening. Soon we have come to a state where a serious and prominent sin happens and everyone is amazed at how this could have taken place.

 

Paul warned: “Do not give the devil a foothold” (Eph. 4:26—NIV). If we do, he will enter into our lives and use that little thing and let it grow until it destroys us. It could be a friendship with someone we are counselling or helping that has got too close. It could be going to borderline sites on the internet. It could be letting our eyes stray to things they should not focus on in bookshops or on TV. It could be watching movies or reading books that are not edifying. These are just the start of a plan that Satan has to trap us. Paul’s advice is for us not to negotiate with these things; we are to “flee youthful passions” (2 Tim. 2:22).
TWELVE

Spreading Untrue Stories

 

I have seen many people deeply hurt because others spread untrue stories about them based on hearsay or inaccurate observation. So I need to caution you about this, for unknowingly you may become guilty of wickedness. If you suspect that something inappropriate is developing between two people, talk to one or both of them. This way you can clarify the situation and you can alert the other person who may not even realise that something seriously wrong is developing.

 

Do not fall into the trap of gossiping about this with others, which is a trap which Satan delights to prepare for you. If you are not sure, seek clarification from those who know. And, even after that, be careful to whom you talk about it. The Bible is very clear that making false accusations about people is a serious sin which merits God’s punishment. So, for your own sake and for the sake of the body of Christ, avoid spreading stories that you are not sure about.
THIRTEEN

God’s Grace is Greater

 

Paul said, “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor. 10:12). We must all be alert to the possibility of falling! Several people who have had affairs have told later that they knew they were vulnerable to various kinds of temptation, but they never ever thought that they would have an affair some day.

 

Fortunately after the warning cited above Paul immediately went on to say, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13). When I hear that someone I greatly admired has had an affair, my immediate response is to think that, if these great people fall, there is no hope for me! This verse shows us that though great people may fall, with God’s help we can make it!

 

The immediate trigger for this article was the news that a foreign Christian I respected very much had had an adulterous affair. A day after I heard this, tired out after two speaking appointments and needing a fresh touch from God, I decided that I will sing some hymns of praise. The Lord ministered to me wonderfully through them.

 

As I was turning the pages of the hymn book, I stumbled upon the hymn, “Fairest Lord Jesus,” which was extremely refreshing and health-giving. It talks about the beauty of Jesus. When we are devastated by the circumstances around us there is nothing that is as helpful as contemplating the beauty of God (see Psalm 27:4). We must never forget that “where sin increased, grace abounded all the more” (Rom. 5:20b). Always, even when sin seems to be on the rampage around us, grace must be our primary focus in life.

 

Because grace is the primary focus in life, we approach life with a positive attitude. So when it comes to relationships with members of the opposite sex, because several people have ended up having sinful affairs, we must not allow ourselves to forget the beauty of healthy friendships which enrich us so much. God intended our brothers and sisters to enrich our lives. We must not let the fact that some fell into sin deprive us of the enrichment God desires for us.

 
SPECIAL NOTE

THE SERIOUSNESS OF ADULTERY IN THE BIBLE

 

In view of the casual attitude to adultery in the world today I have decided to include a note on the seriousness with which the Bible views it. The seventh of the Ten Commandments says, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exod. 20:14; Deut. 5:18). The punishment for adultery in the OT is death (Lev. 20:10-12; Deut. 22:22-25). Whereas in the ancient Near East adultery was considered a sin against only the other partner in the marriage, in the Bible it is regarded as a sin against God, as both Joseph and David have stated (Gen. 39:9; Psa 51:4). Nathan declaring God’s word to David about his adultery said, “…you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife” (2 Sam. 12:10).

 

Peter Craigie points out that “the reason why adultery is singled out for attention in the Decalogue is because adultery, more than other illicit behaviour, has to do with unfaithfulness in a relationship of commitment.” Later the idolatry and religious apostasy of Israel were described as adultery (Isa. 57:3; Jer. 3:8-9; Ezek. 23:43; Hos. 2:2). That is, the marriage tie mirrors the tie between God and his people. It has to do with that all important aspect of human life: binding commitment to God and to spouse.

 

The seriousness of adultery lay in the fact that the family was an absolutely vital aspect of the covenant relationship of God with the community of Israel. So much of God’s will for his people is achieved through the family. The Bible takes the principle of commitment which lies behind God’s covenant relationship with humans and the covenant relationship between man and wife very seriously. To violate that principle is to violate the way God works with humans. This is a serious crime. Earlier God included honouring parents in the Ten Commandments as that too is a part of this God and family tie included in the covenant with Israel.

 

In 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 Paul presents another strong reason why adultery is so serious. It is based on the fact that there is a very close tie between Christ and our bodies. He accentuates this point through four statements in this one paragraph: “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (1 Cor. 6:13b); “Your bodies are members of Christ” (6:15b); “…he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him” (6:17); “…your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you” (6:19). Because of this union with Christ and our bodies, Paul says, “So glorify God in your body” (6:20).

 

Sexual relations make two bodies into one, says Paul quoting the oft quoted words from the institution of marriage in Genesis 2:24: “The two will become one flesh.” Relations between man and wife are an aspect of our relationship with Christ, and therefore it is part of the body being one with Christ. But if one commits adultery, the body belonging to Christ becomes one with someone in a way that violates the oneness with Christ. Paul says, “…do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her?” (1 Cor. 6:16). The person has rejected Christ and replaced him with a prostitute.

 

Paul says that the damage done through adultery is more serious than other sins done with the body: “Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (6:18b). Other sins like drunkenness are also sins against the body. But adultery does this in a unique way in that it becomes one in the fullest sense with another person when it should be one only with Christ. And Christ detests this oneness through adultery.

 

All this would not make sense if we did not grasp fully that the believer’s body is one with Christ. Say the Principal of a school is in the front seat of a vehicle while a student of the school drives that vehicle. What if the student screams obscenities at other drivers while driving and breaks all the road rules? What an insult to the principle that would be! Adultery heaps a greater insult on Christ. It can only be committed by kicking out Christ from the car (our body)!

 

We must not forget the terrible earthly consequences of adultery. David was told, “…the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife” (2 Sam. 12:10). And that is what happened to David. His relationship with the Lord was restored and (I believe) so was “the joy of salvation” for which he asked in his heartfelt psalm of penitence (Psa. 51:12). But his family history after the adultery was one of serious strife.

 

This is so today too. The spouse is deeply hurt, and lives with a wound all her life. Children not only live with the wound, they often live with anger and shame over what their parent did. Though God forgets when he forgives our sins; people often don’t. And that could be a scar in the person’s reputation. Then, there is the other person involved in the adulterous act. That person is usually wounded deeply. A pastor committed adultery with a young girl, but was subsequently restored to his wife and his ministry following genuine repentance. But he found out many years later that the girl had become a prostitute.

 

Finally there is the affect that adultery has on the church or organisation, especially when it is committed by a leader. People are confused and discouraged. They reason, “If he can’t make it, what hope is there for us?” There is disillusionment over and anger against the leadership as the members feel they have been let down. When the leadership proceeds to discipline the wrongdoer or fails to do so adequately, the unity breaks as the members usually divide into groups—some agree with the action taken, and some don’t.

 

Using a word used for fleeing from danger, Paul says, “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18a). We are to avoid it like the plague. We are to run away from it like running away from a forest fire or a wild animal waiting to devour us. It is absolutely dangerous. When we are tempted, we must run away from it in terror. A friend of mine in the ministry asked his former senior pastor who had fallen into adulterous sin, what he would say by way of advice to younger ministers. He simply said, “Don’t do it!”